August 15, 2005

I am not a “cutie” girl.
What I mean by that is, I don’t like the word, even though I have used it, and used it often.  I just don’t like it.
“Cutie” carries with it an implied lack of substance.  A lack of maturity, an inability to grow.  Sort of like the little girl who became a woman, but hasn’t actually grown up.  She’s too busy being a “cutie” to bother with messy things like being a whole person, or responsible for anything other than her cuteness.  When pressed for anything substantial, like her personal views on important topics like the state of world politics, she immediately lapses into a discussion of the state of affairs of the latest celebrity marriage.  Her view are never her own, because she hasn’t developed herself to the point where she can make well thought out decisions for herself.  Normally, she simply defers to the most intelligent person in the room, and agrees with them even though she has no idea what they are talking about.  This woman isn’t a woman.  She’s still a girl.  She’s simply gotten old.
Like I said, I’ve used the word, and used it often.  I’ve used “cutie” to describe small children and animals, and grown men.  At the time, I thought I had described the thing I was talking about as attractive (men), or adorable (children, animals).  I thought what I was saying was complimentary, along the lines of,” I would enjoy looking at that (child, small furry animal, man) all day, and never get tired.  How nice to have the pleasure of  being in visual proximity of (fill in the blank).”  In retrospect, what I really meant was, “Empty of any value, except visually.”  What an insult.
I’ve spent my life making people see me as something other than what who they think they see or believe to be interacting with.  I’m a fairly intelligent person.  Everyone should accept that I have value, and act accordingly (hubris on my part, I admit).  Yet, that word remains in my vocabulary.  I need to shorten it, my vocabulary that is, by one word.
Next time: Small children, animals, and men.
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